Worth Revisiting - I Will Give You A New Heart

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I am at a time in my life where I have to take a close look at myself and ask a few frank questions again. What follows is an excerpt from my book, Fleeting Glimpses of the Silly, Sentimental and Sublime: 

I Will Give You A New Heart


(Originally published May 6, 2014)

I walked out of the State Capitol building and immediately turned to my left looking beyond the many different people walking about the area and in the nearby park until I saw her.  There was my smiling wife, just a few feet from me, eagerly awaiting news of what transpired during my interview. I approached her excitedly wanting to fill her with the details as soon as I could. But suddenly I did not feel well.  A strange sensation overtook me - a very uncomfortable, unfamiliar and unsettling one.

She immediately saw that I did not look “right”.  There was no time to discuss the interview.  I told her that we should try to get some aspirin before we picked our car up in the underground garage.  She was, of course, very concerned.

It was difficult walking down the street, across the roadway and up the stairs and into the building where I had worked several years previously.  Fortunately, there was still a little store on the second floor just as I had remembered.  I asked Lonnie to go there and see if they had any aspirin. 

As she left to go, I sat down.  I began to sweat profusely.  I had no pain; but I was not right.  One of the security officers saw me and summoned a retired emergency medical technician who was on duty.  He immediately called for assistance, removed my suit jacket, tie and dress shirt.

By then my wife had returned.  I saw her standing in the background but it was so surreal.  My struggling and stressed heart almost broke as my chest tightened and I saw the anguish, fear and tears flowing from her eyes.  Oh, I wanted so much in some way to spare her from this experience.  I was powerless to do anything other then to sit down in the rapidly expanding pool of sweat that enveloped me.  What would be, would be.  “God,” I prayed, “be merciful to me a sinner.  Be with and comfort my wife.”

The medics arrived quickly.  They calmly and reassuringly went about their task of trying to save my life.  I was in route to Albany Medical Center, when I was suddenly “prompted” to ask them to take me to St. Peter’s Hospital instead.

We arrived at that hospital a few minutes later.  They wheeled me rapidly through a crowded emergency room and into an examination stall.  Instantly, a nurse and doctor appeared.  Just as quickly, they whisked me out and up to the operating room. A whirlwind of activity occurred as I lay on a cold metal table with nurses and doctors speaking to me.  I held my precious rosary beads in my hand and continued praying to my Lord.  “An excellent thing to do,” I heard one of the hospital staff say.

“Mr. Seagriff,” a doctor said, “one of your arteries is completely blocked; one is sixty percent blocked and a third forty percent blocked. You are having a heart attack and we are going to try to unblock them and insert stents."

Surprisingly, I did not panic – something that would have been my normal modus operandi under such dire circumstances.  In an inaudible spiritual voice, I calmly told my God that I did not want to die but if that was His will for me then so be it.  I told Him how sorry I was for my sins and for squandering a good portion of my life, asked Him to have mercy on me, to forgive me, and to strengthen and protect my family.  I resumed moving my fingers along the Rosary beads as God directed the hands of my doctor and his staff.

Nearly five years[now ten]  have elapsed since God spared my life.  Only He knows why I am still here.  While pondering that very thought recently, I discovered a journal entry that I had made the day before my heart attack.  Over the years I have not been very faithful or successful in journaling on any regular basis.  So it was not surprising that I had not only forgotten I had made any entry that day, but it was purely fortuitous I even found it since it was on separate sheet of paper, stuck in a file folder that had nothing to do with my journal.

I read the entry.  My face became flush.  My heart raced and tears flowed.  You see the entry that day – the day before my heart attack - reflected my thoughts on a promise God made to the prophet Ezekiel:

“The world will know that I AM the Lord, and that I am holy by the example you give. Not on your own but by means of my transforming grace, I will cleanse you of your impurities and make a new creation of.  I will give you a new heart and a new spirit.” (Ezekiel, Chapter 3, 23-28)

This is what I wrote that day:

“How Christ-like am I? Have I surrendered myself to His transforming graces?  Do I draw others to Him? - not on any regular basis. Lord that I may surrender my entire being to you and allow You to use me as You will.

Astonishing isn’t it!  God offers us eternal happiness with Him in heaven.  Yet most of us do not want it.  We prefer to do things our own way.  How many times has God invited me into His service and how many times have I refused to come?”

The day after this entry, God opened three arteries, giving me the new heart and new spirit He promised the prophet and for which I prayed the day before my heart attack.

Every day I must honestly ask myself: What have I done with this new heart?  God knows. Does anyone else?